The mental health arena is rich with references to the stages of grief that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced us to way back in 1969. The final phase of her model is acceptance. When bad stuff happens, we deny, get angry, bargain, become depressed, and according to the model ideally reach a point of acceptance. Yet increasingly much of our culture refuses to accept grief and pain. We choose to alleviate our pain-loss-disappointmemt with various strategies. Acceptance (as defined by Kubler-Ross) is unfortunately an important emotional skill our culture seems to have abandoned. We have become addicted to making ourselves feel better. We don’t like hurts, and in fact we do our very best to avoid it.  Why has this happened? Can we really do anything about it? How do we develop a culture of Acceptance versus the need to alleviate or avoid pain? Attachment theory and its perspective on early childhood development might offer some insights. In at...

The news stories are happening way too often. Children in the protective custody of the state of Texas are placed in foster homes only to be abused by their foster parents. Victims of maltreatment are revictimized by the system that is supposed to keep them safe.  The data on this problem is disturbing.  From 2010 until 2013 the likelihood for a child to be abused in the state of Texas ranged from 9-9.4 per 1000 children. This rate remains pretty steady and is slightly less than 1%. During the same period the likelihood for a child in the foster care system to be abused by caregivers tripled. This means that in 2013 children placed in foster care only had a 66% reduction in the likelihood of being revictimized. This is completely unacceptable. This means a child that is a confirmed victim of abuse should have a reasonable expectation of placement in a safe living environment and only improves their chances for safety by 66% compared to the general population of childre...

It’s time to retire the term “helicopter parents”. Depending on your source, the term was coined by one of two individuals. The psychologist, Haim Ginott, wrote about a child/teen sharing that their parent hovered over them like a helicopter. It then seems that the parenting expert, Jim Fay and Foster Cline wrote about “helicopter parents” in their discussions of parenting with love and logic. It seems the work of Cline and Fay brought popularity to the concept and is how is has spread throughout the school systems as the Love and Logic model is promoted by many schools. The popular interpretation of the term is referencing parents who “hover” and over manage the lives of their children. This can obviously be a concern. It is not productive for a parent to be in the habit of over controlling a child’s decisions or rescuing them from the consequences of their choices. As I counsel families I have become increasingly concerned that the interpretation of being a helicopter parent is ...

We have an authority problem. Recent news overwhelms with incidents of blatant disrespect for authority figures. Here are a few samples. Tom Brady appeals his suspension for cheating and wins reprieve from a four game suspension. Our culture’s worship of sports heroes has sunk to a new low when blatant cheating is disregarded and a Superbowl champion is allowed to get away without penalty. I think Pete Rose is probably pretty upset. Two high school football athletes, apparently angry over a call made by a referee assaults the referee during the game. The extent to which adults were involved is still unclear. Four police officers are violently gunned down in assassination attacks in the past few weeks for no reason other than wearing the uniform. A fourteen year old student brings an engineering project to school that looks suspiciously dangerous and refuses to put it away when asked by two teachers. Authorities' response to his choices are labeled as racism and ...

This is a poem composed by Dr. Mark DeYoung. All the spaces, whether filled with joy or pain in families are sacred. Families exist in all kinds of places and spaces The space between birth and death The space between a marriage and a divorce. Grief and rejoicing Attention and neglect A father's hand that can be protective and possibly violent A mother's voice that can be comforting and possibly rejecting  The space between failure and success The space between togetherness and lonliness  Siblings who can be best of friends and worst enemies Homes that can be filled with rage and laughter The space between substance abuse and sobriety Encouragement and criticism Safety and injury Being chosen and being ignored Wounds and healing The distance between these dichotomies is made sacred For it is in these spaces families express and experience, Life, Comfort, Mercy, Forgiveness, Grace, Reconciliation, Hope, and Love.

It is part of our human nature to attempt to make sense of a complicated world. Most recently there are many complex stories confronting us in our Facebook newsfeed and conversations with neighbors or coworkers. We like complex problems because we receive some satisfaction from reaching conclusions about or solving those problems. The dilemma, as I currently see it, is we are often too quick to propose solutions or reach a conclusion about complex matters, and we share these thoughts as impulsive observations on our Twitter accounts and Facebook feeds. Let’s be honest, this provides no real results other than some catharsis. How do we interpret, diagnose, analyze or even understand the behavior of Caitlyn Jenner? - I don’t know. How do we fathom, propose solutions, control or stop the evil of ISIS and other terrorist organizations? - I got nothing. Why do we seem to have an increase in sexually exploitive behavior by school personnel and students? - Too many issues here. Cor...

So last night our youngest daughter won a semifinal softball game allowing her to play for the league championship next week. We are proud of her accomplishment and the hard work this team has exhibited. They were in fourth place in regular season play but clawed their way to the championship game, beating the first place team twice in the tournament. Fall is a busy competition season in our family. We have softball, but both daughters are also in band. Their competitions are both individual (solo contests with band) and team (marching band, softball). These competitions are fierce and challenging. Our oldest is in marching band as a drum major and if you think high school football in Texas is exciting and competitive, just go to a high school marching contest in the fall in North Texas and you might think you have seen a whole new level of competition. Though we have seen our share of successes and “wins” in the lives of our girls, we have had more losses. Out of all t...

In May 2013 the American Psychiatric Association published the newest diagnostic tool for mental health, the DSM 5. This is the fifth major publication of what many consider to be the Bible of mental health. It is used by mental health practitioners (psychiatrist, psychologists, and counselors), courts, insurance companies, and government agencies in their diagnostic and decision making activities related to mental health. As a result of its widespread use, any changes receive increased media attention and scrutiny by professionals. It has been fifteen years since the last revision of this book and the changes made this year have not necessarily been welcomed by professionals and other interested groups. The controversy over the removal of Asperger's as a diagnosis is one example you may have heard about and one change that has received considerable attention. In the interest of public education I would like to offer a couple observations about the DSM 5 and how it may affec...

During 2013 DeYoung Consulting is celebrating 10 years of serving children and families. That past ten years has been an exciting journey and we are looking ahead to greater things in the next ten years. As a part of out ten year celebration we have created a new logo. With the help of  Glint Advertising  they helped us develop a fresh and new logo as well as a new tag line. The new logo is at the top of this blog. It is representative of our work with families, providing in-home therapy services, and the core tenets of attachment theory that guides our work with families.  Our new tag, "Safe, Stable, Successful Familes" illustrates the attachment concepts.  1. Safety (physical and emotional) is a requirement for healthy human development. We want to help develop homes where relationships (parenting, marriage, extended family, etc) are safe and family members intentionally nurture healthy connections.  Children exposed to violent and chaotic environ...

As a young child I remember reading "Where the Wild Things Are" and I don't feel like I related to Max. I was a pretty easy going, compliant kid and can't remember being sent to my room without my supper. Now as a father and family therapist I have come to see that Maurice Sendak had an amazing insight into the world of children and their experiences. Max is a young boy in the developmental middle of great emotional growth and his defiance and tantrums one night lead him to episode after episode of chaos. Most parents of young children can relate to witnessing similar episodes, and we know that a young child's immature emotional brains can easily become overwhelmed, resulting in impulsivity, defiance, and tantrums. Max's final explosion towards his mother results in being sent to his room and his adventure with the Wild Things. His time with the Wild Things serves as a metaphor for every child's attempts to tame the monstrous and overwhelming feelings t...

Problems with married sex are not rooted in frequency. Unfortunately in our culture sexual frequency has become the primary measure for healthy sexuality - resulting in women feeling pressured and men feeling as if they are missing out. The marriage bed is experienced as disappointing and inadequate. We have sex in darkened rooms so we can hide. The true problem of married sex is shame. Shame, the feeling that "I am bad" or "Something is wrong with me", creates distance and hurt in marriage. These relational gaps begin as small injuries that build into ever-widening chasms of distance where the couple see a distant and disconnected view of the other. The passion that they once felt feels hopelessly lost and unable to rekindle. The relational injuries are not necessarily sexual in nature. They are the little criticisms, being too busy, and becoming too self-focused. Most marriages have the resiliency to bounce back from these moments. But when the injury touches a de...

Communication techniques are one of the most commonly recommended resources available for couples. The thought seems to be, by improving our ability to speak ideas and listen we will get along better. Though we all need to communicate well, many of these techniques are insufficient for increasing and solidifying intimacy in marriage. Deeper connections in marriage are more the result of confession than communication. Confession makes us vulnerable and vulnerability is necessary for true intimacy. Unfortunately for many of us our fear of vulnerability frequently results in us retreating. Confession in marriage means we are willing to share our deepest parts. We are willing to talk about our successes and our failures. We are willing to share our disappointments and our dreams. We are willing to express our gratitude and our hurts. We are willing to share our shame. Sharing these deepest parts means we are risking rejection. Playing it safe in relationships is ultimately unsatisfying and...

It is almost universal. At least I hear it and observe it often in my work with couples. One of the characteristics of our spouse that originally attracted us to them becomes annoying and an incredible frustration. Our husband with a great sense of humor is cracking jokes and paying attention to everyone else. Our wife who was organized and kept a great house seems to be too critical of the way clothes get folded. The increased stresses of life (career, children, finances) combine with these little annoyances to create explosions of conflict. I think there are three primary types of conflict patterns with couples - Collision course, Cyclical, and Comatose. Collision Course This couple has the most explosive conflicts and is probably represented by about a third of all couples. Both partners seek to vehemently point out blame and defend their positions with each other. To the casual observer, conflicts with these couples are intimidating and sometimes even frightening, leading one to fe...

Increasing intimacy and connection in marriage is the goal of most couples, but eludes many. There are many factors that contribute to blocking our efforts to grow closer. Disappointments, stresses, relational injuries, fears, misunderstandings, selfishness are some of the factors that distance us. Attachment theory offers some guidelines for deepening our marital connections. At its very core, attachment theory is about the dance of closeness and distance in relationships and how the parameters of this dance promote physical and emotional safety. Marriage consists of two wounded and imperfect people attempting to provide that sense of physical and emotional safety. How can we as couples overcome our brokenness and establish deeper and more stable connections? We must make conscious decisions to do the following three things: We need to be Available. This means being acutely aware our our need to be consistently present in the life of our spouse. We will always have periods of absence....

I recently attended a presentation by Dr. Meredith Small (Cornell University) who shared some insights about marriage. She reported that she had examined marriage from evolutionary, anthropological, and sociological viewpoints and came to the conclusion that the primary purpose of marriage was for cooperation. Though cooperation serves a vital role in marriage it is only a partial picture of purpose. Moses explained the purpose of marriage in Genesis using the idea of two people joining together to make something new. "...and the two are united into one." And some centuries later Paul referenced Moses as a support for the need for husbands and wives to be mutually submissive, "submit to one another." Marriage at its best is a denial of self (my interests, wants) for the purpose of creating a mutually beneficial relational system that transcends the individual spouses. Sacrifice is the norm. The focus is external and the question asked is, "What can I do for you...

AN UPDATE: Following the post of this blog, the recommendations have been incorporated into a pledge for parents. You can access the pledge on Facebook, and by clicking "like" you are indicating you pledge to educate and teach your kids about safe use of social media. Please raise awareness and encourage your friends to take the pledge. POSSE - Parents Offering Safe Social Media Education. ( Click Here to take the Pledge.) An increasing problem with my work with foster and adoptive families is a child's access to Facebook. This social media tool has opened a Pandora's box of communication and family contact issues between adopted children and their birth families. Not all of these connections are bad or harmful but many times the family connection that is made can be overwhelming emotionally and even retraumatizing. I have discussed these issues with many families and have a few suggestions for managing Facebook and other social media. 1. No child younger than 13 ye...

There was a recent SMU study by George W. Holden. The website is: http://blog.smu.edu/research/2011/06/spanking_discipline_or_assault.html The research was originally intended to focus on parents yelling at children in their daily interactions. Mothers agreed to have audio recordings made of their evening activities with their children. The researchers analyzed the recordings and reported frequent incidents of corporal punishment that were concurrent with yelling and high levels of frustration from the mother. The majority of spankings appeared to be "knee-jerk" reactionary responses when parents were frustrated rather than thought out consequences for a previous behavior. There are really no reported examples of parents explaining to their child why they were getting a spanking before or after the swat(s). One parent is recorded spanking the child in response to being kicked by the child. This tit-for-tat, "let's see who is bigger and stronger" type of response...

We have a rule in our house - "You must ask before you take something." Seems pretty simple. "Can I look at the book you have?" - "Would you mind passing the salad dressing when you are done?" - "Can I play a game on the iPhone when you are finished?" These are simple requests but very hard to implement. Why do we all struggle with crossing into each others space, taking and using what is not ours? Why does it seem easier to grab something from someone, knowing the likely tantrum or protest that will follow? And as adults I don't think we can limit this behavior to our preschoolers. I have seen many spouses take something directly from their beloved with intentions to "explain it" or "fix it." Our struggles with entering into the world of others is connected to a developmental skill. It's called, Theory of Mind. Developmental experts have used the idea of Theory of Mind to explain a person's ability to identify bel...

I love statistics. I know to many of you that likely makes me seem a little crazy, but I like working with sets of data. This is part of the reason I am driven crazy by the reporting of statistics we find in the media. What is typically reported is highly agenda driven and only a tiny sliver of the truth. The headline will be something like this, "Abstinence Education Does Not Work" or "Teen Birth Rates Highest in the South." Though the second headline is factually true, and the first headline is a logical leap, neither of these statements provide a complete picture of what is happening with teenage sexual activity. A frequently quoted source regarding reproductive statistics is the Guttmacher Institute (www.guttmacher.org). This non-profit is closely associated with Planned Parenthood and likely shares political leanings with that organization. All data in this blog has been taken from the Guttmacher website. When one looks at the birth rate (live births) among tee...

There are two primary emotions: Love and Fear. All other emotions flow from the neurological recesses of these two. Anger is fear unsoothed and depression is fear experienced in isolation. Joy is love shared with others and excitement is a celebration of love realized. Fear is a mother unsure of how to meet her newborn's needs. -- Love is the telephone call of a grandma reassuring her daughter of what a great mom she is. Fear is a child ridiculed by siblings and classmates. -- Love is an adult or friend who looks beyond outward appearances and sees a child's heart. Fear is darkness. -- Love is crawling in a parent's bed after a nightmare. Fear reminds me of loss - death, job, health, status. -- Love reassures me of security - relationships and resources. Fear is punishment. -- Love is teaching-learning. Fear is a lonely child in their room - on the playground. -- Love is a parent snuggling a child, reading a book. Fear is being misunderstood - unheard. -- Love is listening....