Shame and Sex in the Marriage Bed

Problems with married sex are not rooted in frequency. Unfortunately in our culture sexual frequency has become the primary measure for healthy sexuality - resulting in women feeling pressured and men feeling as if they are missing out. The marriage bed is experienced as disappointing and inadequate. We have sex in darkened rooms so we can hide.

The true problem of married sex is shame. Shame, the feeling that "I am bad" or "Something is wrong with me", creates distance and hurt in marriage. These relational gaps begin as small injuries that build into ever-widening chasms of distance where the couple see a distant and disconnected view of the other. The passion that they once felt feels hopelessly lost and unable to rekindle. The relational injuries are not necessarily sexual in nature. They are the little criticisms, being too busy, and becoming too self-focused. Most marriages have the resiliency to bounce back from these moments. But when the injury touches a deep nerve of shame from our past, then the first cracks of the chasm begin.

The first time he does not notice the special outfit that you bought. The criticism of you in front of your friends. Forgetting the special day. Leaving you home alone to go out with friends. The seeds of weeds that choke out any growth and blossoming of the relationship. They are reminders of our past rejections, and hurts.

Genesis describes healthy marital sexuality in Eden as, "Now the man and wife were both naked and they felt no shame." Adam and Eve had nothing to hide because they had no fear of rejection. Nobody was keeping score. There was no history of past rejection.

How can sexuality in marriage return to this ideal? Nakedness is the highest form of vulnerability. Couples need to strive for vulnerability through empathy. Vulnerable enough to share what I think and feel. Empathy with what our partner thinks and feels is what reduces shame. When we feel understood through empathy we become more willing to expose our true selves. Healthy empathy in marriage results when both partners commit to sharing their needs and being willing to hear their partner's needs. Unfortunately we sometimes struggle with sharing our feelings because our shame convinces us that our feelings will be rejected by being ignored or argued with.

Be willing to risk sharing. Make yourself vulnerable - Be willing to risk being empathetic. Invite vulnerability. Get naked.

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