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Showing posts from March, 2012

Shame and Sex in the Marriage Bed

Problems with married sex are not rooted in frequency. Unfortunately in our culture sexual frequency has become the primary measure for healthy sexuality - resulting in women feeling pressured and men feeling as if they are missing out. The marriage bed is experienced as disappointing and inadequate. We have sex in darkened rooms so we can hide. The true problem of married sex is shame. Shame, the feeling that "I am bad" or "Something is wrong with me", creates distance and hurt in marriage. These relational gaps begin as small injuries that build into ever-widening chasms of distance where the couple see a distant and disconnected view of the other. The passion that they once felt feels hopelessly lost and unable to rekindle. The relational injuries are not necessarily sexual in nature. They are the little criticisms, being too busy, and becoming too self-focused. Most marriages have the resiliency to bounce back from these moments. But when the injury touches a de