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Conflict in Marriage

It is almost universal. At least I hear it and observe it often in my work with couples. One of the characteristics of our spouse that originally attracted us to them becomes annoying and an incredible frustration. Our husband with a great sense of humor is cracking jokes and paying attention to everyone else. Our wife who was organized and kept a great house seems to be too critical of the way clothes get folded. The increased stresses of life (career, children, finances) combine with these little annoyances to create explosions of conflict.

I think there are three primary types of conflict patterns with couples - Collision course, Cyclical, and Comatose.

Collision Course

This couple has the most explosive conflicts and is probably represented by about a third of all couples. Both partners seek to vehemently point out blame and defend their positions with each other. To the casual observer, conflicts with these couples are intimidating and sometimes even frightening, leading one to fear an imminent end to the relationship. But frequently it is the conflict with these couples that seems to hold them together.

Cyclical

The Cyclical couple has been called in other literature, the Pursue - Withdraw pattern in couples. This form of conflict represents almost two-thirds of couples. One partner confronts the other and the ensuing discomfort causes the other partner to withdraw, leading the more aggressive partner to pursue in a never ending cycle.

Comatose

The Comatose couple is the marriage that is typically described as "never fighting." Never having conflict is an impossibility, but with this couple the fights are ignored or conducted in silence. Issues are left on the table for years to gather dust. The level of energy in this marriage is low and communication is highly limited.

All three of these conflict patterns have their advantages and their disadvantages. No one of them is necessarily better than the other. The solution is the same for all of them. The solution is not based in some formula for good communication. Insight and therapy will not break the deadlock. It is actually rather simple. It starts with the self-control to make choices and break the patterns of conflict.

The solution is to reestablish a sense of equity through service. If your spouse feels you pressure them too much, give them space. If you run away from conflict, make a commitment to engage and process the issue. If you tend to point out blame, hold up a mirror and examine your own contribution to the problem. Take responsibility for yourself and make a commitment to connect with your spouse in a way that makes them feel safe.
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