As a young child I remember reading "Where the Wild Things Are" and I don't feel like I related to Max. I was a pretty easy going, compliant kid and can't remember being sent to my room without my supper. Now as a father and family therapist I have come to see that Maurice Sendak had an amazing insight into the world of children and their experiences. Max is a young boy in the developmental middle of great emotional growth and his defiance and tantrums one night lead him to episode after episode of chaos. Most parents of young children can relate to witnessing similar episodes, and we know that a young child's immature emotional brains can easily become overwhelmed, resulting in impulsivity, defiance, and tantrums. Max's final explosion towards his mother results in being sent to his room and his adventure with the Wild Things. His time with the Wild Things serves as a metaphor for every child's attempts to tame the monstrous and overwhelming feelings t...

Problems with married sex are not rooted in frequency. Unfortunately in our culture sexual frequency has become the primary measure for healthy sexuality - resulting in women feeling pressured and men feeling as if they are missing out. The marriage bed is experienced as disappointing and inadequate. We have sex in darkened rooms so we can hide. The true problem of married sex is shame. Shame, the feeling that "I am bad" or "Something is wrong with me", creates distance and hurt in marriage. These relational gaps begin as small injuries that build into ever-widening chasms of distance where the couple see a distant and disconnected view of the other. The passion that they once felt feels hopelessly lost and unable to rekindle. The relational injuries are not necessarily sexual in nature. They are the little criticisms, being too busy, and becoming too self-focused. Most marriages have the resiliency to bounce back from these moments. But when the injury touches a de...

Communication techniques are one of the most commonly recommended resources available for couples. The thought seems to be, by improving our ability to speak ideas and listen we will get along better. Though we all need to communicate well, many of these techniques are insufficient for increasing and solidifying intimacy in marriage. Deeper connections in marriage are more the result of confession than communication. Confession makes us vulnerable and vulnerability is necessary for true intimacy. Unfortunately for many of us our fear of vulnerability frequently results in us retreating. Confession in marriage means we are willing to share our deepest parts. We are willing to talk about our successes and our failures. We are willing to share our disappointments and our dreams. We are willing to express our gratitude and our hurts. We are willing to share our shame. Sharing these deepest parts means we are risking rejection. Playing it safe in relationships is ultimately unsatisfying and...

It is almost universal. At least I hear it and observe it often in my work with couples. One of the characteristics of our spouse that originally attracted us to them becomes annoying and an incredible frustration. Our husband with a great sense of humor is cracking jokes and paying attention to everyone else. Our wife who was organized and kept a great house seems to be too critical of the way clothes get folded. The increased stresses of life (career, children, finances) combine with these little annoyances to create explosions of conflict. I think there are three primary types of conflict patterns with couples - Collision course, Cyclical, and Comatose. Collision Course This couple has the most explosive conflicts and is probably represented by about a third of all couples. Both partners seek to vehemently point out blame and defend their positions with each other. To the casual observer, conflicts with these couples are intimidating and sometimes even frightening, leading one to fe...

Increasing intimacy and connection in marriage is the goal of most couples, but eludes many. There are many factors that contribute to blocking our efforts to grow closer. Disappointments, stresses, relational injuries, fears, misunderstandings, selfishness are some of the factors that distance us. Attachment theory offers some guidelines for deepening our marital connections. At its very core, attachment theory is about the dance of closeness and distance in relationships and how the parameters of this dance promote physical and emotional safety. Marriage consists of two wounded and imperfect people attempting to provide that sense of physical and emotional safety. How can we as couples overcome our brokenness and establish deeper and more stable connections? We must make conscious decisions to do the following three things: We need to be Available. This means being acutely aware our our need to be consistently present in the life of our spouse. We will always have periods of absence....

I recently attended a presentation by Dr. Meredith Small (Cornell University) who shared some insights about marriage. She reported that she had examined marriage from evolutionary, anthropological, and sociological viewpoints and came to the conclusion that the primary purpose of marriage was for cooperation. Though cooperation serves a vital role in marriage it is only a partial picture of purpose. Moses explained the purpose of marriage in Genesis using the idea of two people joining together to make something new. "...and the two are united into one." And some centuries later Paul referenced Moses as a support for the need for husbands and wives to be mutually submissive, "submit to one another." Marriage at its best is a denial of self (my interests, wants) for the purpose of creating a mutually beneficial relational system that transcends the individual spouses. Sacrifice is the norm. The focus is external and the question asked is, "What can I do for you...