As a young child I remember reading "Where the Wild Things Are" and I don't feel like I related to Max. I was a pretty easy going, compliant kid and can't remember being sent to my room without my supper. Now as a father and family therapist I have come to see that Maurice Sendak had an amazing insight into the world of children and their experiences.Max is a young boy in the developmental middle of great emotional growth and his defiance and tantrums one night lead him to episode after episode of chaos. Most parents of young children can relate to witnessing similar episodes, and we know that a young child's immature emotional brains can easily become overwhelmed, resulting in impulsivity, defiance, and tantrums. Max's final explosion towards his mother results in being sent to his room and his adventure with the Wild Things. His time with the Wild Things serves as a metaphor for every child's attempts to tame the monstrous and overwhelming feelings that are so common in childhood. Max accomplishes this task and grieves leaving the environment of the Wild Things where he has become king, and return to the world of his family. Following the death of Mr. Sendak a few days ago I have been reflecting on his work and I was reminded of some thoughts I have had about Max, the Wild Things, and the importance of the last page of his book.
If you read my blog very much you know I frequently refer to attachment and attachment theory. The concept of attachment and children was developed by a man named John Bowlby. He believed that all children had a natural impulse to seek safety and security when feeling threatened or stressed. The more responsive and available a parent was to their child's insecurities, the greater sense of safety and stability the child experienced. I have a feeling if Mr. Sendak and Dr. Bowlby were to meet they would share some similar thoughts about Max. Max moved through several features of the attachment relationship with his mother in his adventure that evening.
Protest
All children protest. Bowlby suggested that a child's protest occurs when they have an unmet need and it is their attempt to attract the attention of the adult to their need - a baby crying, a child's tapping, and even a temper tantrum. Who knows what Max's need was that night, maybe he was hungry, maybe tired, maybe he needed some attention. Whatever drove his wild impulsive flight through the house, it was unsuccessful in the beginning and resulted in banishment to his room.
As parent's, our responsibility is to recognize the protest before it is in full force frenzy and has to be dealt with as harshly as was Max's defiance. This is obviously not always possible, but the greater sense of being in tune with our children, the more likely we will be able to notice a child's announcement of need before their behavior reaches an explosive level.
Working Model
John Bowlby proposed that our earliest interactions with our caregivers, and their meeting or not meeting our needs forms a neurological template from which we view and assess all relationships. If our parents met our needs we develop a willingness to trust others, and if our parents were neglectful we assume that others will ignore our needs just the same. Sendak reveals Max's working model in his relationship with the Wild Things. When Max tires of their games and "rumpusing" he sends them off to bed without their supper. It is then that Max smells good things to eat and knows he must return to the reality of this mother. Max returns and experiences a "reworking" of his internal model, becoming aware of his mother's love and care through her hot meal provided in his room.
Working models are just that - a "work in progress"; never static. The experience of neglect can be tempered with consistent experiences of love and affection, and our feelings of safety and stability can be compromised by tragic or traumatic losses. As parents we must not become overly focused on necessarily "getting it right" as much as being consistent in our efforts to be stable providers of our children's needs.
Seeking Security
"...and it was still hot." is the best line in this book. It speaks to a universal need for safety, stability, and security. Food speaks to some of our most basic and primal instincts. It provides comfort, nourishment, and life itself. For individuals that struggle with deep anxieties and traumas, emotional stress ( i.e. Wild Things) can feel close to death. Bowlby suggested our neurological systems kick in and drive us to find safety and security. Max could not remain with the Wild Things. Though he "tamed" them, he knew that were also unsafe and he needed to return where he could find security. His mother proved she was more than an adequate provider of his safety by serving him a hot meal.
There are so many contexts and circumstances in the lives of children that can provoke the fear response. As adults we may have a hard time understanding what is really driving their fear, but a child's protest and need to find security in a safe place is an important relationship dynamic that we should attempt to consistently provide. Balancing being overly available and appearing rejecting can be difficult, but we must remain diligent in our effort to meet our child's needs. I have a feeling that Max's mother was angry when she sent Max to his room, but the time and space (allowing Max to tame the Wild Things) allowed her to develop the safe space enough to provide a hot comforting meal to Max.
Some Final Thoughts For Parents:
1. Attuning and empathizing with our children and their world is an essential tool for parenting. We need to be aware of the circumstances that might provoke and arrival of the Wild Things, and if and when they do arrive allow our child the time, space and opportunity to tame them.
2. The attachment relationship between parent and child is fluid and open to both positive and negative change. We have a great opportunity mold their plastic models of relationships over time through consistent and empathetic meeting of their needs. We will make mistakes as parents, but our children are resilient and can recover as long as we provide our own course correction and return to a steady and safe presence.
3. Fear is the core emotion that drives all misbehavior. Our primary job as a parent is not to "break" a child's willfull defiance, but to be empathetic that the world is a scary place (you are fooling yourself as an adult if you cannot admit to being afraid of a few things), provide a safe relational space to process those fears, and support our child's efforts to move away from us and "tame" the fears (Wild Things). This process is about developing competence, not compliance.