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Showing posts from 2009

Change Happens

I like the familiar. Stability, and consistency are words in my emotional dictionary that provide comfort. Though there are some people that enjoy the thrill of risk and adventure more than others I think most of us can say we would like to minimize surprises. Yet, a well known fact among those working in the field of family therapy is that within people systems such as families - change happens. Four months ago our family moved to a new house. We went through the purchasing and moving process within two months, and all of the change that came with the move was completely unexpected at the beginning of 2009. With the move came many changes for our family. Our daughters moved from the only house they had ever known. We now live in a home that is two stories, and located next to a park walking trail. We get lots of company. Our garage is smaller, our backyard is bigger, and we have poison ivy in many of the flower beds (this has just been discovered in the past two weeks). Some of these

A Grandmother's Legacy

  Wow, I have not posted in a while. Sorry for the absence, the spring of this year has and continues to be very busy. During March my 96 year old grandmother passed away. The experience of being with her in her final weeks was at times consuming and I have continued to process her life and our loss of her presence with us. I have intended to write something about her life and her encouragement of me as her grandson. As I have reflected on my experiences with her, my most fond memories are of sharing stories of her childhood and early adult years. She grew up in northern Georgia and except for a short time on the west coast, lived in that area most of her life. She was the last surviving sibling in her family though she was not the youngest. She was a short woman, but size was not a reflection of her true strength and determination. Her father lost the family farm due to economic stresses before she was born and she grew up watching him work with determination in various jobs to provid

Tuning into Your Spouse

Though we grew up thousands of miles apart, my wife and I shared something in common throughout high school. We both played in band and had the role of “tuning” all the instruments. If you have ever played in band or tuned an instrument you know that the object is to match tones so that there is an absence of wavering in sound produced by the two instruments. The more “in tune” instruments were, the less wavering between their tones. Adjustments were made to instruments to make sure that their tones matched. The same adjustments were not made every time the band played, because external factors such as temperature and humidity would affect the tones produced by the instruments. Marriages are much like the instrument tuning process. Each partner has a frequency or energy level at which they are currently functioning. This natural frequency consists of our temperament from which we normally function, and external circumstances, either negative or positive that influence our temperament.

Tempering Tantrums

An issue that I frequently address in my work with families is how to manage temper tantrums. Children are returning to school and transitioning into a regular routine again following the Christmas holiday period that was likely filled with the flurry of holiday activity. This increases the possibility for temper fits as the family makes the adjustments. When I talk with children about their temper tantrums they frequently use phrases such as “feeling out of control”, “brain dead”, or “my brain doesn’t work”, to describe their feelings. All these phrases describe exactly what we know about what happens to a child during a tantrum. Their brain undergoes changes in which their ability to think clearly and logically disappears. Any attempt to reason, discipline, teach or guide during the tantrum will literally fall on deaf ears. Once the tantrum has begun, the only choice is to let it end until some sense of normalcy, and rationality has returned. It is important for the adults around the