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Creation in Marriage

I recently attended a presentation by Dr. Meredith Small (Cornell University) who shared some insights about marriage. She reported that she had examined marriage from evolutionary, anthropological, and sociological viewpoints and came to the conclusion that the primary purpose of marriage was for cooperation. Though cooperation serves a vital role in marriage it is only a partial picture of purpose.

Moses explained the purpose of marriage in Genesis using the idea of two people joining together to make something new. "...and the two are united into one." And some centuries later Paul referenced Moses as a support for the need for husbands and wives to be mutually submissive, "submit to one another." Marriage at its best is a denial of self (my interests, wants) for the purpose of creating a mutually beneficial relational system that transcends the individual spouses. Sacrifice is the norm. The focus is external and the question asked is, "What can I do for you?"

Our culture unfortunately makes oneness and submission in marriage difficult. Materialism and individualism become distractions. Feminism and fundamentalism, both from opposite ends of the spectrum, promote relational ideals that hinder intimacy and connection. Our cultural experience with marriage suggests the ideal is achieved when I find a soulmate who understands me and meets my needs. Self-esteem is the norm. The focus is inward and the question typically asked is, "What have you done for me lately?"

But marriage in its best moments is about the creation of something that is greater than one man and one woman. Marriage shapes and creates something greater than self. Yes, viewing marriage through the lens of cooperation can be useful, but I think it is incomplete. The cooperation view leads couples to a ledger approach in which spouses keep a tally of their reciprocal exchanges, hoping things are even and protesting when things are not (look at what I contribute, does your contribution match?). A mutually submissive view focuses on personal sacrifice for the gain of the couple as a whole. Sacrifice redeems husband and wife together.

So let me offer some questions for reflection:

1. What wounds from my past (family of origin, past relationships) make it difficult for me to sacrifice? I would suggest these wounds are core seeds for fears that keep us in a protective stance from being completely vulnerable.
2. In what ways is my marriage "more" or "greater" because "two have become one." How is the "two become one" practically played out in your married life? More specifically, what is your most recent memory of feeling connected with your spouse in a way that promoted feelings of security?

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