Connection in Marriage

Increasing intimacy and connection in marriage is the goal of most couples, but eludes many. There are many factors that contribute to blocking our efforts to grow closer. Disappointments, stresses, relational injuries, fears, misunderstandings, selfishness are some of the factors that distance us.

Attachment theory offers some guidelines for deepening our marital connections. At its very core, attachment theory is about the dance of closeness and distance in relationships and how the parameters of this dance promote physical and emotional safety. Marriage consists of two wounded and imperfect people attempting to provide that sense of physical and emotional safety. How can we as couples overcome our brokenness and establish deeper and more stable connections?

We must make conscious decisions to do the following three things:

We need to be Available. This means being acutely aware our our need to be consistently present in the life of our spouse. We will always have periods of absence. Our absences may be the result of external pressures (work, family demands, etc.) or an internal need for space. Regardless of the cause, we must make an effort to be physically and emotionally present for the needs of our spouse and when we are absent reassure our spouse of when we will reconnect.

We need to be Attuned. All relationships have a dance of giving and receiving signals. We know each other's moods and we are willing to share our mood, probably the latter more than the former. Attunement suggests we make a concerted effort to be aware of our partners feelings, stresses, joys, and needs, - we are equally willing to honestly share our feelings, stresses, joys and needs. This reciprocal exchange remains relatively balanced in power, where the exchange of information is generally equal across partners.

We should be Absorbed with our partner. This means our primary attention, energies, and physical presence is with our partner. We reserve our very best of ourselves for them. We fully engage with our spouse when needed, and are willing drop all other attention grabbers to ensure our spouse is valued and honored.

These three attributes of a healthy marriage can be derailed by numerous detractors. Maybe we remember how our spouse has been absent from the home for extended periods. Our work or the children have been increasingly demanding. We have a long history of family members or friends who have injured our trust in others. We may fear sharing some of our deepest needs, worrying that they may be rejected or minimized. We make assumptions, and we focus all too often on our self.

To keep the marriage on track to deeper and stronger connections we need to make daily, conscious efforts to be available, attuned and absorbed.