We have a rule in our house - "You must ask before you take something." Seems pretty simple.
"Can I look at the book you have?" - "Would you mind passing the salad dressing when you are done?" - "Can I play a game on the iPhone when you are finished?"
These are simple requests but very hard to implement. Why do we all struggle with crossing into each others space, taking and using what is not ours? Why does it seem easier to grab something from someone, knowing the likely tantrum or protest that will follow? And as adults I don't think we can limit this behavior to our preschoolers. I have seen many spouses take something directly from their beloved with intentions to "explain it" or "fix it."
Our struggles with entering into the world of others is connected to a developmental skill. It's called, Theory of Mind. Developmental experts have used the idea of Theory of Mind to explain a person's ability to identify beliefs, feelings, perceptions within both self and others and properly recognize that others may have differing beliefs, feelings, and perceptions than self. This developmental milestone is essential to the development of the ability to have increasingly sophisticated social skills.
The funny thing is we cannot simply teach children to have a theory of mind for their siblings or their friends. It is not as simple as telling a child that their friend is mad or taking the toy hurt their friend's feelings. Though this "front door approach" might be instructive, it is not the most powerful or effective way to grow a child's social quotient (you have heard of IQ and emotional intelligence, now there is social intelligence). The most powerful method is modeled. We demonstrate high levels of social intelligence when we model good empathic skills.
Empathy requires entering into the world of the other. We do this by listening, both to words and actions. We also only reflect in our words and actions what we see; not what we wish to see. "Wow, you really seem to be enjoying that toy.", or "I have noticed that you are more quiet lately." These statements are a gentle touch on the back, a check-in, where you are almost waiting to be invited further into the world of the other.
So back to our to our rule - "You must ask before you take something." Asking is an acknowledgement of boundary. It honors the reality, feelings, and space of the other. It creates opportunity to understanding.
"Can I look at the book you have?" - "Would you mind passing the salad dressing when you are done?" - "Can I play a game on the iPhone when you are finished?"
These are simple requests but very hard to implement. Why do we all struggle with crossing into each others space, taking and using what is not ours? Why does it seem easier to grab something from someone, knowing the likely tantrum or protest that will follow? And as adults I don't think we can limit this behavior to our preschoolers. I have seen many spouses take something directly from their beloved with intentions to "explain it" or "fix it."
Our struggles with entering into the world of others is connected to a developmental skill. It's called, Theory of Mind. Developmental experts have used the idea of Theory of Mind to explain a person's ability to identify beliefs, feelings, perceptions within both self and others and properly recognize that others may have differing beliefs, feelings, and perceptions than self. This developmental milestone is essential to the development of the ability to have increasingly sophisticated social skills.
The funny thing is we cannot simply teach children to have a theory of mind for their siblings or their friends. It is not as simple as telling a child that their friend is mad or taking the toy hurt their friend's feelings. Though this "front door approach" might be instructive, it is not the most powerful or effective way to grow a child's social quotient (you have heard of IQ and emotional intelligence, now there is social intelligence). The most powerful method is modeled. We demonstrate high levels of social intelligence when we model good empathic skills.
Empathy requires entering into the world of the other. We do this by listening, both to words and actions. We also only reflect in our words and actions what we see; not what we wish to see. "Wow, you really seem to be enjoying that toy.", or "I have noticed that you are more quiet lately." These statements are a gentle touch on the back, a check-in, where you are almost waiting to be invited further into the world of the other.
So back to our to our rule - "You must ask before you take something." Asking is an acknowledgement of boundary. It honors the reality, feelings, and space of the other. It creates opportunity to understanding.
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