I would like to suggest an experiment. Choose a day in the next week and just simply observe and listen to your child. During the whole day, just listen to them. Don’t use too much energy directing or disciplining, teaching or correcting. Rather listen for your child’s feelings, concerns, and desires. Haim Ginott in the classic parenting book, Between Parent and Child, said,
Children need a sense of security and a great building block for establishing that security is feeling understood. As a parent you increase your ability to understand your child by taking time to listen to them. Our listening needs to be tuned into hearing the feelings behind the child’s words. Many times we respond to a child without really understanding behind what they have said. So take a day in the next week. Listen to your child and ask the following questions.
1. What feelings are being expressed behind their words?
2. What can I say to my child that communicates I understand?
Consider this example of a child young child who enters their new classroom for the first time on meet the teacher night. Consider which of the two adult’s responses are more empathic and put the child at ease.
Child: “Where did those ugly pictures on the wall come from?”
Mother: [stern and embarrassed] “We should never call someone’s pictures ugly.”
Teacher: “In this classroom children paint all types of pictures. Sometimes children paint pictures that show they are happy and sometimes they paint pictures that show they are angry. You can paint any picture you like.”
Child: [noticing a broken toy in the toy box] “Who broke this fire truck?”
Mother: “Please don’t worry about that. You wouldn’t know anyone here anyway.”
Teacher: “You know I don’t know. Toys in this classroom get played with and sometimes they get broken. Accidents happen.”
The first step in calming a child’s fears, insecurities and even misbehaviors is to listen and understand. Start and experiment with listening.
Coming in the next two weeks – "Empathy as a disciplinary tool"
“When a child tells of, or asks about, an event, it is frequently best to respond not to the event, but to the relationship implied…Behind many childhood questions is the desire for reassurance. The best answer for such questions is the assurance of our abiding relationship.”
Children need a sense of security and a great building block for establishing that security is feeling understood. As a parent you increase your ability to understand your child by taking time to listen to them. Our listening needs to be tuned into hearing the feelings behind the child’s words. Many times we respond to a child without really understanding behind what they have said. So take a day in the next week. Listen to your child and ask the following questions.
1. What feelings are being expressed behind their words?
2. What can I say to my child that communicates I understand?
Consider this example of a child young child who enters their new classroom for the first time on meet the teacher night. Consider which of the two adult’s responses are more empathic and put the child at ease.
Child: “Where did those ugly pictures on the wall come from?”
Mother: [stern and embarrassed] “We should never call someone’s pictures ugly.”
Teacher: “In this classroom children paint all types of pictures. Sometimes children paint pictures that show they are happy and sometimes they paint pictures that show they are angry. You can paint any picture you like.”
Child: [noticing a broken toy in the toy box] “Who broke this fire truck?”
Mother: “Please don’t worry about that. You wouldn’t know anyone here anyway.”
Teacher: “You know I don’t know. Toys in this classroom get played with and sometimes they get broken. Accidents happen.”
The first step in calming a child’s fears, insecurities and even misbehaviors is to listen and understand. Start and experiment with listening.
Coming in the next two weeks – "Empathy as a disciplinary tool"
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