Increasing intimacy and connection in marriage is the goal of most couples, but eludes many. There are many factors that contribute to blocking our efforts to grow closer. Disappointments, stresses, relational injuries, fears, misunderstandings, selfishness are some of the factors that distance us. Attachment theory offers some guidelines for deepening our marital connections. At its very core, attachment theory is about the dance of closeness and distance in relationships and how the parameters of this dance promote physical and emotional safety. Marriage consists of two wounded and imperfect people attempting to provide that sense of physical and emotional safety. How can we as couples overcome our brokenness and establish deeper and more stable connections? We must make conscious decisions to do the following three things: We need to be Available. This means being acutely aware our our need to be consistently present in the life of our spouse. We will always have periods of absence....

I recently attended a presentation by Dr. Meredith Small (Cornell University) who shared some insights about marriage. She reported that she had examined marriage from evolutionary, anthropological, and sociological viewpoints and came to the conclusion that the primary purpose of marriage was for cooperation. Though cooperation serves a vital role in marriage it is only a partial picture of purpose. Moses explained the purpose of marriage in Genesis using the idea of two people joining together to make something new. "...and the two are united into one." And some centuries later Paul referenced Moses as a support for the need for husbands and wives to be mutually submissive, "submit to one another." Marriage at its best is a denial of self (my interests, wants) for the purpose of creating a mutually beneficial relational system that transcends the individual spouses. Sacrifice is the norm. The focus is external and the question asked is, "What can I do for you...

AN UPDATE: Following the post of this blog, the recommendations have been incorporated into a pledge for parents. You can access the pledge on Facebook, and by clicking "like" you are indicating you pledge to educate and teach your kids about safe use of social media. Please raise awareness and encourage your friends to take the pledge. POSSE - Parents Offering Safe Social Media Education. ( Click Here to take the Pledge.) An increasing problem with my work with foster and adoptive families is a child's access to Facebook. This social media tool has opened a Pandora's box of communication and family contact issues between adopted children and their birth families. Not all of these connections are bad or harmful but many times the family connection that is made can be overwhelming emotionally and even retraumatizing. I have discussed these issues with many families and have a few suggestions for managing Facebook and other social media. 1. No child younger than 13 ye...

There was a recent SMU study by George W. Holden. The website is: http://blog.smu.edu/research/2011/06/spanking_discipline_or_assault.html The research was originally intended to focus on parents yelling at children in their daily interactions. Mothers agreed to have audio recordings made of their evening activities with their children. The researchers analyzed the recordings and reported frequent incidents of corporal punishment that were concurrent with yelling and high levels of frustration from the mother. The majority of spankings appeared to be "knee-jerk" reactionary responses when parents were frustrated rather than thought out consequences for a previous behavior. There are really no reported examples of parents explaining to their child why they were getting a spanking before or after the swat(s). One parent is recorded spanking the child in response to being kicked by the child. This tit-for-tat, "let's see who is bigger and stronger" type of response...

We have a rule in our house - "You must ask before you take something." Seems pretty simple. "Can I look at the book you have?" - "Would you mind passing the salad dressing when you are done?" - "Can I play a game on the iPhone when you are finished?" These are simple requests but very hard to implement. Why do we all struggle with crossing into each others space, taking and using what is not ours? Why does it seem easier to grab something from someone, knowing the likely tantrum or protest that will follow? And as adults I don't think we can limit this behavior to our preschoolers. I have seen many spouses take something directly from their beloved with intentions to "explain it" or "fix it." Our struggles with entering into the world of others is connected to a developmental skill. It's called, Theory of Mind. Developmental experts have used the idea of Theory of Mind to explain a person's ability to identify bel...

I love statistics. I know to many of you that likely makes me seem a little crazy, but I like working with sets of data. This is part of the reason I am driven crazy by the reporting of statistics we find in the media. What is typically reported is highly agenda driven and only a tiny sliver of the truth. The headline will be something like this, "Abstinence Education Does Not Work" or "Teen Birth Rates Highest in the South." Though the second headline is factually true, and the first headline is a logical leap, neither of these statements provide a complete picture of what is happening with teenage sexual activity. A frequently quoted source regarding reproductive statistics is the Guttmacher Institute (www.guttmacher.org). This non-profit is closely associated with Planned Parenthood and likely shares political leanings with that organization. All data in this blog has been taken from the Guttmacher website. When one looks at the birth rate (live births) among tee...

There are two primary emotions: Love and Fear. All other emotions flow from the neurological recesses of these two. Anger is fear unsoothed and depression is fear experienced in isolation. Joy is love shared with others and excitement is a celebration of love realized. Fear is a mother unsure of how to meet her newborn's needs. -- Love is the telephone call of a grandma reassuring her daughter of what a great mom she is. Fear is a child ridiculed by siblings and classmates. -- Love is an adult or friend who looks beyond outward appearances and sees a child's heart. Fear is darkness. -- Love is crawling in a parent's bed after a nightmare. Fear reminds me of loss - death, job, health, status. -- Love reassures me of security - relationships and resources. Fear is punishment. -- Love is teaching-learning. Fear is a lonely child in their room - on the playground. -- Love is a parent snuggling a child, reading a book. Fear is being misunderstood - unheard. -- Love is listening....