I like the familiar. Stability, and consistency are words in my emotional dictionary that provide comfort. Though there are some people that enjoy the thrill of risk and adventure more than others I think most of us can say we would like to minimize surprises. Yet, a well known fact among those working in the field of family therapy is that within people systems such as families - change happens. Four months ago our family moved to a new house. We went through the purchasing and moving process within two months, and all of the change that came with the move was completely unexpected at the beginning of 2009. With the move came many changes for our family. Our daughters moved from the only house they had ever known. We now live in a home that is two stories, and located next to a park walking trail. We get lots of company. Our garage is smaller, our backyard is bigger, and we have poison ivy in many of the flower beds (this has just been discovered in the past two weeks). Some of these ...

  Wow, I have not posted in a while. Sorry for the absence, the spring of this year has and continues to be very busy. During March my 96 year old grandmother passed away. The experience of being with her in her final weeks was at times consuming and I have continued to process her life and our loss of her presence with us. I have intended to write something about her life and her encouragement of me as her grandson. As I have reflected on my experiences with her, my most fond memories are of sharing stories of her childhood and early adult years. She grew up in northern Georgia and except for a short time on the west coast, lived in that area most of her life. She was the last surviving sibling in her family though she was not the youngest. She was a short woman, but size was not a reflection of her true strength and determination. Her father lost the family farm due to economic stresses before she was born and she grew up watching him work with determination in various jobs to pr...

Though we grew up thousands of miles apart, my wife and I shared something in common throughout high school. We both played in band and had the role of “tuning” all the instruments. If you have ever played in band or tuned an instrument you know that the object is to match tones so that there is an absence of wavering in sound produced by the two instruments. The more “in tune” instruments were, the less wavering between their tones. Adjustments were made to instruments to make sure that their tones matched. The same adjustments were not made every time the band played, because external factors such as temperature and humidity would affect the tones produced by the instruments. Marriages are much like the instrument tuning process. Each partner has a frequency or energy level at which they are currently functioning. This natural frequency consists of our temperament from which we normally function, and external circumstances, either negative or positive that influence our temperament. ...

An issue that I frequently address in my work with families is how to manage temper tantrums. Children are returning to school and transitioning into a regular routine again following the Christmas holiday period that was likely filled with the flurry of holiday activity. This increases the possibility for temper fits as the family makes the adjustments. When I talk with children about their temper tantrums they frequently use phrases such as “feeling out of control”, “brain dead”, or “my brain doesn’t work”, to describe their feelings. All these phrases describe exactly what we know about what happens to a child during a tantrum. Their brain undergoes changes in which their ability to think clearly and logically disappears. Any attempt to reason, discipline, teach or guide during the tantrum will literally fall on deaf ears. Once the tantrum has begun, the only choice is to let it end until some sense of normalcy, and rationality has returned. It is important for the adults around the...

I like changes in seasons, and one of my particular favorites is the arrival of fall. Here in Fort Worth we are still experiencing a change in the leaves (which has been quite dramatic this year) as recent north winds are blowing the leaves off their branches. Today as I was driving I was watching the flurry of leaves in the air and on the ground and reminded of one of the reasons I like fall. It is a time for cleaning out, whisking away the old, as one begins the winter wait for spring renewal. In families there are similar ‘seasons.’ There is a time to allow the old to fall away, much like the leaves. These may be memories of past arguments, frustrations with a child’s defiance, or attempts to fix problems that have not worked. It may be time to allow grace to enter into the relationships and drop those issues from the family tree. Grace requires us to let the intensity of the issue to fade away so we no longer hang onto the emotional weight within the relationship. As a father and h...

The presidential election is behind us by one week, but news of transitions and changes are continuing to be broadcast. I thought I would share some observations about the election and upcoming changes for our country. I particularly want to focus upon this transition and its influence on children. I have observed many children over the past few weeks share feelings and thoughts regarding the election. Many expressed support for a particular candidate and some shared fears about what a candidate might do if they were elected. Children as young as first grade have been participating in mock elections in their schools. Though it is exciting to see children interested in the election process, young children particularly lack the cognitive skills to understand and process the large amounts of news and information associated with an election (many of us adults also struggle). Though there are economic pressures that have many nervous about the future, as adults we should be careful about ho...

Both of my daughters learned to ride their bikes this past weekend. We have been working on bike riding for some time with great frustration. Our daughters have been frightened and frustrated, and as parents we have questioned our abilities to be effective teachers. After a few practice attempts they both just got on their bikes and rode them. It was a rather magical moment after numerous failed attempts. This experience reminded me of the simple joys of observing children “get it.” Do you remember your child’s first words? First steps? First hit of the baseball? All of their determination and frustrations from past failures washed from their faces as a smile and the joy of success bring a new flood of emotion. I have noted the numerous times that it just seems to click for children and they finally get it. Sometimes this happens sooner than expected and other times it seems as if a child will never understand. But in both cases the excitement of a new skill is wonderful. Parents must ...