Though we grew up thousands of miles apart, my wife and I shared something in common throughout high school. We both played in band and had the role of “tuning” all the instruments. If you have ever played in band or tuned an instrument you know that the object is to match tones so that there is an absence of wavering in sound produced by the two instruments. The more “in tune” instruments were, the less wavering between their tones. Adjustments were made to instruments to make sure that their tones matched. The same adjustments were not made every time the band played, because external factors such as temperature and humidity would affect the tones produced by the instruments.
Marriages are much like the instrument tuning process. Each partner has a frequency or energy level at which they are currently functioning. This natural frequency consists of our temperament from which we normally function, and external circumstances, either negative or positive that influence our temperament. These normal fluctuations can lead us to being either in-tune or out of tune with our spouse.
Marital partners need to have an intentional awareness of their partner’s current energy level or emotional state. Therapists call this process attunement. It is being aware of our partner’s emotions, and attempting to understand or empathize with them. This may require you to rejoice when we do not feel like being energetic, toning down your enthusiasm when your partner is down in the dumps.
Our brains are wired to catch, as if like a contagious germ, the emotions of those around us. So it is possible that you can help your partner when they are feeling down with some gentle humor or encouragement. Though you should be careful to avoid too much or overly sarcastic humor. These approaches may create so much dissonance that your partner will reject your efforts. Here are some suggestions for “tuning” your marriage.
1. Empathizing and attempting to get into their shoes. Observe your partner. Are there things going on with him/her that contribute to how they are doing? Are there increased stresses?
2. Listening and joining them at their emotional level.Listen carefully to the words they use and don’t use. You will likely have to “read between the lines.” Spend time in activities that require you to do something together – take walks, play games, or just go and sit in the backyard.
3. If necessary, providing some contagious emotional responses that help bring the marriage “in-tune.”Reflect what you hear them saying. Avoid phrases such as “I understand.” Just reflect the emotion of what you are hearing – “That sounds exciting,” or “You sound really hurt by what they did.” Notice when you do this how your emotions and their emotions become closer together.
Marriages are much like the instrument tuning process. Each partner has a frequency or energy level at which they are currently functioning. This natural frequency consists of our temperament from which we normally function, and external circumstances, either negative or positive that influence our temperament. These normal fluctuations can lead us to being either in-tune or out of tune with our spouse.
Marital partners need to have an intentional awareness of their partner’s current energy level or emotional state. Therapists call this process attunement. It is being aware of our partner’s emotions, and attempting to understand or empathize with them. This may require you to rejoice when we do not feel like being energetic, toning down your enthusiasm when your partner is down in the dumps.
Our brains are wired to catch, as if like a contagious germ, the emotions of those around us. So it is possible that you can help your partner when they are feeling down with some gentle humor or encouragement. Though you should be careful to avoid too much or overly sarcastic humor. These approaches may create so much dissonance that your partner will reject your efforts. Here are some suggestions for “tuning” your marriage.
1. Empathizing and attempting to get into their shoes. Observe your partner. Are there things going on with him/her that contribute to how they are doing? Are there increased stresses?
2. Listening and joining them at their emotional level.Listen carefully to the words they use and don’t use. You will likely have to “read between the lines.” Spend time in activities that require you to do something together – take walks, play games, or just go and sit in the backyard.
3. If necessary, providing some contagious emotional responses that help bring the marriage “in-tune.”Reflect what you hear them saying. Avoid phrases such as “I understand.” Just reflect the emotion of what you are hearing – “That sounds exciting,” or “You sound really hurt by what they did.” Notice when you do this how your emotions and their emotions become closer together.
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