Loss is unavoidable. I remember one expert talking about grief and loss who said, "You never resolve or reach a closure with loss, you just learn to cope. Because truthfully life is about loss." Helping our children learn about loss in life and how to cope are essential skills for healthy emotional development.
During the summer of 2009, our two dogs died within one week. Tragedy and illness. Unfortunate but unavoidable circumstances. For both of my children this was one of their first and closest experiences with death and as would be expected it was not easy. Our little dog Winnie, escaped from the backyard at our new home and was found a week later after being struck and killed by a car. A week later our large Labrador Retriever, Pooh Bear, became too ill to function and had to be put to sleep. As a family we reacted with shock, tears, and sadness, but also resilience, sharing memories, and maybe even a little laughter with our stories.
It is not uncommon with a loss to go through various experiences of grief that may include shock, avoidance, fear, anger, and sadness. These feelings are normal grief reactions and only become problems when they seem to settle over us like a fog and the sunshine of normal daytime activities never gets to peek through. In our Western culture we probably don't grieve enough sometimes, yet we also need to be careful not to let the experience of our grief begin to shape our identity. This can be a very difficult balancing act that must be walked differently by each individual.
We must also note that in our culture we typically only recognize death as losses that should cause grief reactions. Though the death of a family member, friend or even a pet causes grief there are other less recognized events that can lead to grief reactions. These might include life changes such as moves, illnesses, unemployment, foster care/adoption, changes in school, and many others. I mention these "lesser" recognized grief occurrences to help us note that children may be having grief reactions in many situations that do not necessarily involve death.
To help our children deal with loss and significant changes I would like to recommend the following.
1. Be patiently available to the child. Your child's grief reaction is unique to them. Being available to support them through the grief will make that walk more bearable. Empathy is important.
2. Find a good balance between allowing time and space to grieve and keeping some sense of a normal routine. Empathize with your child's tears and anger, but also encourage them to spend time in regular activities and with friends.
3. Attempt to be future focused and find things as a family to look forward to.These suggestions are not meant to be a formula for addressing the pain of a loss, but rather suggestions to try help provide a soothing balm for the hurt.
After a few months we have provided a new pet for our home. A kitten named Annabelle has now joined our family and in a discussion of cutest pets our oldest observed, "You know there are no two pets cuter than Annabelle and our dog Winnie. I miss Winnie, but I cannot wait until heaven when I can see Winnie and Annabelle play together."
During the summer of 2009, our two dogs died within one week. Tragedy and illness. Unfortunate but unavoidable circumstances. For both of my children this was one of their first and closest experiences with death and as would be expected it was not easy. Our little dog Winnie, escaped from the backyard at our new home and was found a week later after being struck and killed by a car. A week later our large Labrador Retriever, Pooh Bear, became too ill to function and had to be put to sleep. As a family we reacted with shock, tears, and sadness, but also resilience, sharing memories, and maybe even a little laughter with our stories.
It is not uncommon with a loss to go through various experiences of grief that may include shock, avoidance, fear, anger, and sadness. These feelings are normal grief reactions and only become problems when they seem to settle over us like a fog and the sunshine of normal daytime activities never gets to peek through. In our Western culture we probably don't grieve enough sometimes, yet we also need to be careful not to let the experience of our grief begin to shape our identity. This can be a very difficult balancing act that must be walked differently by each individual.
We must also note that in our culture we typically only recognize death as losses that should cause grief reactions. Though the death of a family member, friend or even a pet causes grief there are other less recognized events that can lead to grief reactions. These might include life changes such as moves, illnesses, unemployment, foster care/adoption, changes in school, and many others. I mention these "lesser" recognized grief occurrences to help us note that children may be having grief reactions in many situations that do not necessarily involve death.
To help our children deal with loss and significant changes I would like to recommend the following.
1. Be patiently available to the child. Your child's grief reaction is unique to them. Being available to support them through the grief will make that walk more bearable. Empathy is important.
2. Find a good balance between allowing time and space to grieve and keeping some sense of a normal routine. Empathize with your child's tears and anger, but also encourage them to spend time in regular activities and with friends.
3. Attempt to be future focused and find things as a family to look forward to.These suggestions are not meant to be a formula for addressing the pain of a loss, but rather suggestions to try help provide a soothing balm for the hurt.
After a few months we have provided a new pet for our home. A kitten named Annabelle has now joined our family and in a discussion of cutest pets our oldest observed, "You know there are no two pets cuter than Annabelle and our dog Winnie. I miss Winnie, but I cannot wait until heaven when I can see Winnie and Annabelle play together."
Comments
Post a Comment