We have an authority problem. Recent news overwhelms with incidents of blatant disrespect for authority figures. Here are a few samples.
Tom Brady appeals his suspension for cheating and wins reprieve from a four game suspension. Our culture’s worship of sports heroes has sunk to a new low when blatant cheating is disregarded and a Superbowl champion is allowed to get away without penalty. I think Pete Rose is probably pretty upset.
Two high school football athletes, apparently angry over a call made by a referee assaults the referee during the game. The extent to which adults were involved is still unclear.
Four police officers are violently gunned down in assassination attacks in the past few weeks for no reason other than wearing the uniform.
A fourteen year old student brings an engineering project to school that looks suspiciously dangerous and refuses to put it away when asked by two teachers. Authorities' response to his choices are labeled as racism and intolerance and he is celebrated by being invited to the White House.
Witnessing the flood of news stories over these recent events may cause one to question the state of affairs in our communities. Are things falling apart? Combine these national stories with the more micro versions of defiance we see every day (a child’s defiance in the grocery store), and we might begin to wonder if the problem is increasing. I would like to suggest that it is not getting worse, but it is just becoming more public. Our access to social media and media in general has increased our awareness of a problem that has existed from the beginning of time.
The questioning and outright defiance of authority has always been. Revolts and revolutions have always been. It is not a problem of things getting worse, its just that we have the wrong strategy. We are resorting to raging against the public events on our TVs and in our news feeds. I would propose we are best suited to solve the authority problem by teaching about authority in our own homes. Protests, rants on Facebook, and speeches at public forums may have small impacts, but our largest influence is in the four walls of our own homes. Respect for authority is best taught within the family. That is not a compelling thought because we all want to make a difference. The problem is our voices fall quickly silent outside the walls of our own houses. Rather than speaking to those outside our homes maybe we need to quietly talk with those we share life with on a daily basis.
I would like to offer two suggestions for helping grow a healthy respect for authority within our families. It is a parental responsibility. Our role is two-fold. We must establish authority in healthy ways and model how to respect authority.
Establish Authority
Parental authority is not about control. It is not authoritarian. It's goal is not to teach kids to fear something that is bigger and stronger. Unfortunately many times our parenting strategies attempt to contol a behavior rather than teach. If we are continually wratcheting up consequences in an effort to maintain control we are likely misusing our authority.
Rather parental authority is born from a love to provide what is best for the child. This means setting limits and boundaries. I am probably about to say something pretty unpopular here, but I fear my generation is failing dramatically in this arena. We worship our children so much we refuse to point out their weaknesses for fear that we might injure their fragile psyches. We obviously have no place as parents to demean or belittle children, but our kiddos are not such princes/princesses that we should avoid pointing out the pitfalls of their choices and the risks of the paths that they are walking.
We should allow the child to make mistakes so they learn and develop skills and competencies. I have always said that a parent’s job is to set the ditches but allow the kids to drive the car. They may swerve and have some near misses but the ditches are their limits. Parental authority also means maintaining a presence. You may allow the child the space to make mistakes but you are also available and close enough that you can help pick up the pieces of the mistake, even take the steering wheel, comfort their pain, and help them think through a better plan for the future. Be engaged, don’t step out of the car and wave with a smile on your face believing the delusion that your child is so special that they cannot fail. You get to wave with a smile on your face when they are 18, not when they are 3.
Model Respect
I agree with WFAA sportscaster Dale Hansen and his observation about the football players assaulting a referee. The problem did not begin with the decision on the field to tackle the referee. The problem began witnessing so many parents verbally assault referees at all the little league games and coaches modeling disrespect towards officials. Too often rather than respect an official’s decision or even mistake, adults and coaches feel the need to challenge the official loudly. Our children witness our behaviors. They find it confusing, but they also have no problem mimicking us. Not only do they see this at little league games they see it in our schools, and out in the community when we interact with business managers, teachers, or government officials.
How do we react when we don’t like the report we get home about a teacher? Too often we are calling the school for a meeting rather than teaching our children to manage difficult relationships. How often do we cheat on the small laws (speeding, our taxes, etc.) and justify our choices to our children as being “no big deal?” Kids witness these choices and though maybe confused, they have no problem mimicking us.
A parent cannot take the opposite approach and not address authority issues. You might think your indifference is enough for teaching kids about authority. If you just don’t say anything about a coach or teacher you are at least not exhibiting any defiance for your kids to model. Unfortunately your choice only allows a child’s natural tendency to be defiant to run rampant. They are never taught to respect authority even if they don’t agree. This has to be accomplished through overt conversations where you explain that what might look like indifference on your part is just an effort to follow established authority even though you might disagree. Our parenting efforts and teaching moments need to guided by intentionality. Osmosis is a poor parenting method.
Establish authority, not as a dictator, nor as a worshiper of your child. Model respect, not through indifference or overt disrespect for authority figures. Teaching about authority is an active and intentional parenting activity.