It is part of our human nature to attempt to make sense of a complicated world. Most recently there are many complex stories confronting us in our Facebook newsfeed and conversations with neighbors or coworkers. We like complex problems because we receive some satisfaction from reaching conclusions about or solving those problems. The dilemma, as I currently see it, is we are often too quick to propose solutions or reach a conclusion about complex matters, and we share these thoughts as impulsive observations on our Twitter accounts and Facebook feeds. Let’s be honest, this provides no real results other than some catharsis.
How do we interpret, diagnose, analyze or even understand the behavior of Caitlyn Jenner? - I don’t know.
How do we fathom, propose solutions, control or stop the evil of ISIS and other terrorist organizations? - I got nothing.
Why do we seem to have an increase in sexually exploitive behavior by school personnel and students? - Too many issues here.
Corrupt politicians, ObamaCare, NSA, drones, etc. - Just typing these words my put me on a watch list somewhere.
I don’t want my statements above to be dismissive of issues that are important or to minimize the complexity what is occurring. Rather I think we need to refocus our attention and refrain from knee-jerk, one size fits all declarations. What real benefit is achieved by our tweets or posts in the electronic world?
I would rather like to suggest we turn our attention to matters and relationships where we can make a real difference. We need to keep our attention turned inward towards our own homes, and closest relationships. We can best accomplish this goal when we simplify.
Rather than concern ourselves with complex issues we need to keep to simple tasks in our families. My thoughts on this topic have been inspired by a video I saw about the science of simplicity by Harvard Professor, George Whitesides. You can watch the video here. He says the characteristics of simple things can be describes as:
1. Predictable - We know what they are going to do.
2. Accessible - The cost to use them is low.
3. Building Blocks - The benefits can be stacked to make improvement.
What is funny about these three characteristics is they parallel the results of my doctoral research on attachment in families. I found that relationships in families need to be predicatable, available, and building resilience against injury. Attachment is a simple concept that has the power to stabilize complex relationships. We can benefit from focusing on simple attachment concepts for those relationships closest to us. If we really want to make a difference in the world we should start there.
So how do we do that? Here are a few suggestions.
1. Be predictable in your family. This specifically means maintaining and emotional level and response that does not swing to wild extremes. It does not mean that you should be emotionless, but be willing to temper your responses to the stresses experienced by your children or your spouse. One of the most powerful emotional memories from my childhood was the calm controlled response of the farmer I worked for the day I ruined the front bumper of his truck from careless driving. Though I was overwhelmed with fear and guilt, he told me calmly that he was going to wait and see how long it took his wife to notice (it was over six months).
2. Be accessible - Make yourself available. Put down the devices. Listen. Spend time in relational activities, like throwing a ball, cooking, playing a board game. Listen (I meant to say listen twice). Your children and your spouse are going to remember more fondly the times your listened to them than the times you lectured, corrected, or showed them the error of their ways. These activities are free by the way, and the cost in time is much less than we anticipate. The benefit far exceeds the cost.
3. Embrace injury and mistakes as opportunities. Failures happen in our relationships. We let each other down, we say hurtful things, and we make dumb financial decisions. Rather than holding onto those disappointments and using them as ammo for future arguments, start with the grace that we are all flawed. Admit your mistakes to your spouse, and your children. Start with humility. From this point we can have conversations about how to do things better.
If you are feeling a little overwhelmed with the news of the day, play a board game with your kids. Take a walk with your spouse. Find ways to simplify. You may be surprised by the complex results.