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Facebook and Adopted Children



AN UPDATE: Following the post of this blog, the recommendations have been incorporated into a pledge for parents. You can access the pledge on Facebook, and by clicking "like" you are indicating you pledge to educate and teach your kids about safe use of social media. Please raise awareness and encourage your friends to take the pledge.

POSSE - Parents Offering Safe Social Media Education. (Click Here to take the Pledge.)

An increasing problem with my work with foster and adoptive families is a child's access to Facebook. This social media tool has opened a Pandora's box of communication and family contact issues between adopted children and their birth families. Not all of these connections are bad or harmful but many times the family connection that is made can be overwhelming emotionally and even retraumatizing. I have discussed these issues with many families and have a few suggestions for managing Facebook and other social media.

1. No child younger than 13 years of age should have a Facebook account. This is the stated Facebook policy. You can read more at this link: http://www.facebook.com/help?page=937

My concerns as a family therapist and child development expert about the Facebook age limit is twofold. I think a parent has a hard time justifying the deception involved in establishing an account for their underage child and unspoken support for lying that their child witnesses. My second concern is that being 13 does not automatically grant a child the necessary maturity to manage all social aspects of social media.

2. No child should have a Facebook account if their parent does not have an account. Their parent should be their first "friend" and the parent needs to be at least a semi-expert on the many aspects of Facebook.

3. All passwords should be in the parent's possession. Facebook explicitly states they will not provide a child's password to a parent.

4. Regarding Facebook, a parent should participate with their child when deciding who to be friend or which friend requests to accept. This provides an excellent opportunity to discuss social interactions on the Internet. Helping your child with early friend requests will begin to transition into trusting their ability to manage this skill more independently. This process should be no different than any other skill we have taught our children. We move from increased supervision to independence.

For Foster and Adopted children

5. There needs to be clear ground rules established for the possibility of contact with birth families and expectations for how contact will be handled. Every situation is unique. Some adoptions are open. Some children have birth family members that are safe and some that are unsafe. These issues need to be thought about carefully before the Facebook account is created.

6. I am aware of some children and families that have registered their adopted children on Facebook under a pseudonym. In some cases there seems to be a rationale for this type of account.
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