A recent article by Jennifer Moses in the Wall Street Journal has been receiving considerable attention for calling out moms who allow their 12-year-old daughters to dress like prostitutes. Her observations of changes in young girl’s fashions are largely and sadly correct. You can read the article here:
Why Do We Let Them Dress Like That?
As a man, I am woefully inadequate to comment on the female feelings and cultural motivations that might contribute to a mom participating in and encouraging their daughter’s poor tastes in fashion. Though I think many of the author’s speculations are correct, I feel she has missed commenting on one important area of a daughter’s development: Fathers.
Not once in her article are dads mentioned. I am not even sure the author’s marital status is clear. This is a problem for two reasons. My first problem is that as a father of two girls I can say that we as dads have been complicit participants in allowing this problem to occur. Not enough dads are standing up to their daughters or their wives and setting limits about what is appropriate for their daughters. Maybe this is an unfortunate consequence of the sexual revolution and feminism or maybe as men we have just become pansies. Whatever the cause too many men have abdicated this responsibility. Men have become silent participants in this sexual conspiracy by allowing their daughters to place their bodies on display for hormonally out of control teenage boys.
The second problem is a cultural problem. We have an incredibly paradoxical and damaging view of sexuality in our American culture. We accept the openness of pornography, sexually explicit
television, and deviant sexual behaviors as necessary evils in a first amendment culture. Yet we don’t talk about sexuality in our homes. We blatantly ignore the swirling vortex of a sexually saturated culture and just hope our children catch on to the sacred and deeply spiritual values of healthy sexuality. What do we expect when we allow the slow creep of sexual messages to enter the minds of our young children and we do nothing to educate them about healthy sexuality?
Be honest. When was the last time you had a conversation about sex with your child? When have you used words associated with healthy sexuality such as penis, vagina, labia, intercourse, excitement, orgasm, ejaculation, condom, birth control, AIDS, gonorrhea, semen and many others with your child? How many of you cringed as you read the above words, but you sat with your middle school child last night and watched a sitcom or TV drama that was filled with innuendo and overt references to unhealthy sexuality without a word uttered about what was just witnessed? When have you last looked at your child’s Facebook account and had some knowledge of the explicit conversations and behaviors of middle school children?
Having counseled hundreds of teens and parents about issues of sexuality I can promise you that healthy sexual relationships in the context of a monogamous marriage is what all human beings strive for. Yet for many reasons we settle for less. It is time for fathers to take the lead in raising these issues in their homes and not being afraid to set limits around healthy relationship boundaries for their daughters. This is not meant to create oppressive, Victorian rule systems in our homes (though that might solve the teen pregnancy problem), as this would also avoid teaching about healthy sexuality. Rather fathers need to participate in a conversation with their daughters and their sons about relationships and sex. Use what you witness on the computer, TV, and other forms of media as starting points. I guarantee every parent’s and child’s desire is for safe, supportive and healthy relationships. Our conversations will help go a long way to creating those relationships, rather than just crossing our fingers and hoping for the best. Fathers can play a huge role in helping our children set limits early in relationships so they can protect themselves from serious relationship harm early in life.
P.S. As a father of two daughters I need to make a note to the fathers of the boys that will marry my daughters. I hope you are one of the first to have this conversation with your sons. If you haven’t, I will.
Why Do We Let Them Dress Like That?
As a man, I am woefully inadequate to comment on the female feelings and cultural motivations that might contribute to a mom participating in and encouraging their daughter’s poor tastes in fashion. Though I think many of the author’s speculations are correct, I feel she has missed commenting on one important area of a daughter’s development: Fathers.
Not once in her article are dads mentioned. I am not even sure the author’s marital status is clear. This is a problem for two reasons. My first problem is that as a father of two girls I can say that we as dads have been complicit participants in allowing this problem to occur. Not enough dads are standing up to their daughters or their wives and setting limits about what is appropriate for their daughters. Maybe this is an unfortunate consequence of the sexual revolution and feminism or maybe as men we have just become pansies. Whatever the cause too many men have abdicated this responsibility. Men have become silent participants in this sexual conspiracy by allowing their daughters to place their bodies on display for hormonally out of control teenage boys.
The second problem is a cultural problem. We have an incredibly paradoxical and damaging view of sexuality in our American culture. We accept the openness of pornography, sexually explicit
television, and deviant sexual behaviors as necessary evils in a first amendment culture. Yet we don’t talk about sexuality in our homes. We blatantly ignore the swirling vortex of a sexually saturated culture and just hope our children catch on to the sacred and deeply spiritual values of healthy sexuality. What do we expect when we allow the slow creep of sexual messages to enter the minds of our young children and we do nothing to educate them about healthy sexuality?
Be honest. When was the last time you had a conversation about sex with your child? When have you used words associated with healthy sexuality such as penis, vagina, labia, intercourse, excitement, orgasm, ejaculation, condom, birth control, AIDS, gonorrhea, semen and many others with your child? How many of you cringed as you read the above words, but you sat with your middle school child last night and watched a sitcom or TV drama that was filled with innuendo and overt references to unhealthy sexuality without a word uttered about what was just witnessed? When have you last looked at your child’s Facebook account and had some knowledge of the explicit conversations and behaviors of middle school children?
Having counseled hundreds of teens and parents about issues of sexuality I can promise you that healthy sexual relationships in the context of a monogamous marriage is what all human beings strive for. Yet for many reasons we settle for less. It is time for fathers to take the lead in raising these issues in their homes and not being afraid to set limits around healthy relationship boundaries for their daughters. This is not meant to create oppressive, Victorian rule systems in our homes (though that might solve the teen pregnancy problem), as this would also avoid teaching about healthy sexuality. Rather fathers need to participate in a conversation with their daughters and their sons about relationships and sex. Use what you witness on the computer, TV, and other forms of media as starting points. I guarantee every parent’s and child’s desire is for safe, supportive and healthy relationships. Our conversations will help go a long way to creating those relationships, rather than just crossing our fingers and hoping for the best. Fathers can play a huge role in helping our children set limits early in relationships so they can protect themselves from serious relationship harm early in life.
P.S. As a father of two daughters I need to make a note to the fathers of the boys that will marry my daughters. I hope you are one of the first to have this conversation with your sons. If you haven’t, I will.
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