The Decline of Marriage?

In November of 2010 the Pew Research Center released data on the state of marriage in the United States and described marriage as being in decline. They highlighted how over the past four decades percentages of traditional married couples have steadily decreased (from 72% to 52%) with a parallel increase in the numbers of adults who have never married (from 15% to 27%). The practice of cohabitation has also steadily increased and become more widely accepted (80% said an unmarried couple with children is a family).

The responses I have observed to this information vary wildly. Some will use the data to argue that the traditional family is collapsing and it is just the beginning symptoms of a larger societal collapse. Others will suggest that the rise of new and diverse family structures is a sign of increased sophistication in our culture and we are leaving behind the oppressive patriarchal family system. I would suggest that both of these views are extremes that really only polarize any healthy discussion of family.

A hidden nugget in the data suggests that the concept of family is alive and well in the hearts of those surveyed. Though families may be taking several forms, there is a strong gravitational pull within all hearts for close intimate relationships that can be found in the family.

So what can this data teach us? I have some reflections below.

Three reflections on the Pew Center Research.

1. It is potentially dangerous to get caught up in the view that marriage is in 'decline.'

Being a Christian from a conservative theological tradition it has been relatively common in my church experiences to hear messages about the family "falling apart." These messages are typically delivered with enough fervor to incite fear, causing listeners to lock themselves away at home and hide from the creeping dangers that may cause their family to implode at any moment. Rarely do these messages offer solutions. They join in a cacophony of complaint that supports the unfortunate human tendency to notice the negative rather than focus on what is working well.

Research is very clear. Healthy marriages have benefits. Married individuals get sick less often. Married couples have greater financial stability. A recent longitudinal study in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy (April, 2010), suggested that positive marital relationships have direct benefits to childrens behavior . Specifically, when the marriage relationship is strong, children have a much lower risk of developing behavior problems throughout their childhood. When mom and dad model healthy relationships, isn't it funny how the kids seem to follow along.

It is  the power of example that teaches and inspires. External pressures and fear tactics that have been typically used by many well meaning professionals and pastors unfortunately only intensify feelings of fear and anger. The induced fear from their messages causes people to hide (almost like wearing a surgical mask to avoid the flu) rather than take proactive steps to improve health.The danger in promoting the decline of the family or marriages is that it ignores the realities of healthy relationships and ways to help people prevent and solve family problems.

2. Family is very important to people.

Over two-thirds of adults surveyed said they felt optimistic about the future of marriage and the family. That is higher than any optimism over education (50%), the economy (46%), or moral and ethical standards (41%). Three out of four surveyed said family is the most important element of their life and they are "very satisfied" with their family life.

We as a culture really don't want to give up on family. As a counselor, I have helped many individuals grieve terrible traumas in their family life. No matter how much pain family has caused, many of us will return to family (even the family that hurt us). I think it speaks of the hope we all have for redemption. We want things to be right and even when things have broken in the past, we try again, hoping for healing and renewal.

Many of us know that no matter how much we hope, hurt still occurs. This is why that even when we just speak so optimistically about family, abuse, separation, and divorce still occur too frequently. Professionals that work with families must help protect from recurring abuses, but also recognize that individuals have a hopefulness for healing.

Viewing changes in families from this mindset is not only more hopeful it also places you in better position to encourage and recognize the healthy practices in families that provide for safety, and deep connecting relationships. If I attune myself to all that is wrong with families, when I see healthy relationships I tend to be cynical and wonder when they will fail.

3. It is NOT the economy stupid.

The authors of this study suggested that poor economic conditions contribute to a decline in traditional marital relationships One cannot deny the influence of money and financial stability in making decisions, yet the authors seem to have forgotten an important point - It is about relationships. The deepest craving in the human heart is for connection with others. From birth an infant seeks eye contact, mimics their parents facial expressions, and is soothed by skin to skin contact with their mother.

Unfortunately, many individuals can point to histories of broken relationships within their own family that have progressively squashed their craving for human connection. They have protectively withdrawn into their shells. Though this is another topic for another day, technology has sure not helped with this problem.

The response of professionals, spiritual advisers, counselors and others that work with families should not be to point out all the conditions that prevent family health, but there should be an concerted effort to identify the resources necessary to have healthy relationships. Solutions, not problems. And where there is brokenness, injury and pain, pointing out how someone got in the pit only serves to make the pit feel deeper. Finding a community of helpers that can surround the wounded and help dig out paths to healing seems more productive.

A Renewal?

I would like to make a call for us to stop pointing out all that is wrong with families in America (or around the world for that matter). We have all likely experienced being on the wrong end of being told what was wrong with what we were doing and I doubt any of us found it very motivating. Rather I think it is time for us as individuals and communities to come out of our protective shells for a time and notice what works.

I am not naive enough to suggest there are not and will not be problems. Relationships are unfortunately imperfect. But surely we can notice pockets of success where individual couples/families have triumphed through adversity. Maybe we could find small communities where marriage and families seem to flourish.

Once we have taken the time to notice what works, use the information in our own home and neighborhood. Notice that tonight your wife might really enjoy some help with the dishes or your husband might appreciate that special dish you make so well. Rather than have a conniption fit over the divorce rate of your country, notice the young couple down the street that could use some babysitting help after the birth of a newborn. These small examples, multiplied over and over will renew a culture that not only hopes for healthy families but also experiences them.