Research has suggested that a building block for healthy development is a child’s ability to recognize the “You-I” distinction. I am Me and You are You. You might have different feelings than Me. You might think differently than Me. I might be interested in something different than You and I might feel differently than You.
Developing this important social skill, begins in infancy and continues throughout childhood. The basic building block for developing the skill is parental empathy. When a parent acknowledges a child’s thoughts, and feelings it helps the child draw the distinction between self and others.
Unfortunately, many times in disciplinary situations, because of the intensity of the moment, or the necessity to deal with the situation quickly, acknowledging a child’s feelings becomes a challenge. I would suggest that a primary disciplinary tool is to begin discipline by acknowledging a child child’s feelings.
“I understand that broccoli is not your favorite food and it tastes yucky to you.”
“I bet it hurt when your friend hit you.”
“It sounds like you were mad when you took your toy back from your friend.”
“Taking the trash out when it is cold is not your favorite thing.”
Last month we talked about listening to our children. Listening gives us the starting point from which to make empathic statements. Many child development experts have suggested that an empathic statement from a parent can sometimes be all that is needed to diffuse a potential temper tantrum.
Another helpful addition to your empathic acknowledgement of your child’s feelings is to share your personal feelings with your child. In quieter moments as you discuss a particular event, it can be helpful for your child to hear how their actions affected you.
“It made me sad when you yelled at me.”
“It really hurt when you slapped my arm.”
“I sometimes worry when you spend so much time alone; I wonder what you are thinking about.”
I cannot emphasize enough the importance that when you make these statements to your children that must be done with a calm, even tone and without sarcasm. Also, be aware that these empathic statements need to be delivered prior to a meltdown. Once a child is in a temper tantrum, they will fall on deaf ears. You will need to wait until the temper tantrum has subsided to discuss the feelings.I hope these ideas can open up new understandings in your relationship with your children.
Developing this important social skill, begins in infancy and continues throughout childhood. The basic building block for developing the skill is parental empathy. When a parent acknowledges a child’s thoughts, and feelings it helps the child draw the distinction between self and others.
Unfortunately, many times in disciplinary situations, because of the intensity of the moment, or the necessity to deal with the situation quickly, acknowledging a child’s feelings becomes a challenge. I would suggest that a primary disciplinary tool is to begin discipline by acknowledging a child child’s feelings.
“I understand that broccoli is not your favorite food and it tastes yucky to you.”
“I bet it hurt when your friend hit you.”
“It sounds like you were mad when you took your toy back from your friend.”
“Taking the trash out when it is cold is not your favorite thing.”
Last month we talked about listening to our children. Listening gives us the starting point from which to make empathic statements. Many child development experts have suggested that an empathic statement from a parent can sometimes be all that is needed to diffuse a potential temper tantrum.
Another helpful addition to your empathic acknowledgement of your child’s feelings is to share your personal feelings with your child. In quieter moments as you discuss a particular event, it can be helpful for your child to hear how their actions affected you.
“It made me sad when you yelled at me.”
“It really hurt when you slapped my arm.”
“I sometimes worry when you spend so much time alone; I wonder what you are thinking about.”
I cannot emphasize enough the importance that when you make these statements to your children that must be done with a calm, even tone and without sarcasm. Also, be aware that these empathic statements need to be delivered prior to a meltdown. Once a child is in a temper tantrum, they will fall on deaf ears. You will need to wait until the temper tantrum has subsided to discuss the feelings.I hope these ideas can open up new understandings in your relationship with your children.
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