We have a rule in our house - "You must ask before you take something." Seems pretty simple. "Can I look at the book you have?" - "Would you mind passing the salad dressing when you are done?" - "Can I play a game on the iPhone when you are finished?" These are simple requests but very hard to implement. Why do we all struggle with crossing into each others space, taking and using what is not ours? Why does it seem easier to grab something from someone, knowing the likely tantrum or protest that will follow? And as adults I don't think we can limit this behavior to our preschoolers. I have seen many spouses take something directly from their beloved with intentions to "explain it" or "fix it." Our struggles with entering into the world of others is connected to a developmental skill. It's called, Theory of Mind. Developmental experts have used the idea of Theory of Mind to explain a person's ability to identify bel...

I love statistics. I know to many of you that likely makes me seem a little crazy, but I like working with sets of data. This is part of the reason I am driven crazy by the reporting of statistics we find in the media. What is typically reported is highly agenda driven and only a tiny sliver of the truth. The headline will be something like this, "Abstinence Education Does Not Work" or "Teen Birth Rates Highest in the South." Though the second headline is factually true, and the first headline is a logical leap, neither of these statements provide a complete picture of what is happening with teenage sexual activity. A frequently quoted source regarding reproductive statistics is the Guttmacher Institute (www.guttmacher.org). This non-profit is closely associated with Planned Parenthood and likely shares political leanings with that organization. All data in this blog has been taken from the Guttmacher website. When one looks at the birth rate (live births) among tee...

There are two primary emotions: Love and Fear. All other emotions flow from the neurological recesses of these two. Anger is fear unsoothed and depression is fear experienced in isolation. Joy is love shared with others and excitement is a celebration of love realized. Fear is a mother unsure of how to meet her newborn's needs. -- Love is the telephone call of a grandma reassuring her daughter of what a great mom she is. Fear is a child ridiculed by siblings and classmates. -- Love is an adult or friend who looks beyond outward appearances and sees a child's heart. Fear is darkness. -- Love is crawling in a parent's bed after a nightmare. Fear reminds me of loss - death, job, health, status. -- Love reassures me of security - relationships and resources. Fear is punishment. -- Love is teaching-learning. Fear is a lonely child in their room - on the playground. -- Love is a parent snuggling a child, reading a book. Fear is being misunderstood - unheard. -- Love is listening....

A recent article by Jennifer Moses in the Wall Street Journal has been receiving considerable attention for calling out moms who allow their 12-year-old daughters to dress like prostitutes. Her observations of changes in young girl’s fashions are largely and sadly correct. You can read the article here: Why Do We Let Them Dress Like That? As a man, I am woefully inadequate to comment on the female feelings and cultural motivations that might contribute to a mom participating in and encouraging their daughter’s poor tastes in fashion. Though I think many of the author’s speculations are correct, I feel she has missed commenting on one important area of a daughter’s development: Fathers. Not once in her article are dads mentioned. I am not even sure the author’s marital status is clear. This is a problem for two reasons. My first problem is that as a father of two girls I can say that we as dads have been complicit participants in allowing this problem to occur. Not enough dads are stand...

In November of 2010 the Pew Research Center released data on the state of marriage in the United States and described marriage as being in decline. They highlighted how over the past four decades percentages of traditional married couples have steadily decreased (from 72% to 52%) with a parallel increase in the numbers of adults who have never married (from 15% to 27%). The practice of cohabitation has also steadily increased and become more widely accepted (80% said an unmarried couple with children is a family). The responses I have observed to this information vary wildly. Some will use the data to argue that the traditional family is collapsing and it is just the beginning symptoms of a larger societal collapse. Others will suggest that the rise of new and diverse family structures is a sign of increased sophistication in our culture and we are leaving behind the oppressive patriarchal family system. I would suggest that both of these views are extremes that really only polarize an...

I think most of us have a view of children that makes us think once they have learned something it should always be with them. This is one of the reasons we become frustrated and fights ensue when our child makes a mistake doing something that we saw them be successful with in the recent past. This view suggests that we see learning as linear (step by step) and hierarchical (a skill is necessary to aid in the acquisition of a new skill). Some recent research suggests that maybe learning skills is not linear or hierarchical. Karen Adolph at New York University did some work with infants and their perceptions of keeping themselves safe from walking off the edge of a constructed "cliff." Below is some of the article from the November 2010 issue of Scientific American Mind. "Mountain goats are born understanding where they should and shouldn’t climb, but baby humans need practice puttering around before they can make sound judgments. Now New York University developmental psy...

From 1994 to 2001 the prescription of drugs for adolescent mental illness rose an amazing sixty percent. This is a trend I have watched over my years as a therapist. There has been an increasing reliance on medications to treat numerous behavioral symptoms presented by children. In an article recently published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, the authors suggest that the majority of psychotropic drugs prescribed to children have not been tested for specific use with children. These are adult drugs being used to treat childhood issues. The authors also suggested that many of these drugs have only shown limited short-term benefits in use with adults, but as a practitioner I am seeing these medicines prescribed for two and three years at a time. There has been little to no research examining the impact of such long-term use on the growth and development of the children using the medicines. I should be clear that I believe there are times for the use of psychotropic medicines...